I remember looking in the mirror seeing the way my body looked back then and thought to my self this isn’t me, no way am I living my life looking like this and feeling this uncomfortable in my own skin. Will I ever feel comfortable dressing the way I really want ? When will I feel good when I look in the mirror ? When will I stop shying away at being out with friends or on social events that require me dressing up nicely ? When will I not dread going denim pant shopping because I know I will easily find my size ?

All these questions hit me like a big boulder that had just fell on top of my head out of no where. Why was I living my life this uncomfortably and being okay with it ?

Of course as a teenager looks were the major thing that mattered to me and the only thing I really wanted to change. To look better and thinner and to be liked more was the ultimate goal, even though there were other problems (health and self esteem wise) that would be fixed once I lose the weight I didn’t really pay much attention to them.

On the span of a little over a year I tried every thing there is to try in order to lose weight, from weird diets that required me to eat a can of tuna and just vanilla ice ream all day, to fasting fro 20hrs and eating a big brownie sundae upon breaking my fast, to restricting my calorie intake to 500 a day only, to eating fruits one day and veggies the other. I tried it all, “get thinner, get thinner, get thinner” was my mantra and i was not about to lose focus, and thinner and thinner I did get indeed.

I lost a whooping more than 40 kgs in a year, my weight dropped from 95 to 53, and I was soooo happy .... well at least I thought I was

So I lost the weight at the tender age of 16.

I reached my goals, I “presumably” fit in, I did look like (.... said model), people did say WOW when they passed by me, I did turn heads ...

But something inside of me was not as happy or satisfied as I thought I would be when I’d reach here. Yes I look a certain nice good way but I also am suffering for an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, and a constant obsession with the way I look. And for some reason it bothers me what people think or how they look at me, yes I wanted that attention but now it just bothers me, like I am under pressure to maintain a certain thing.

Years passed and I was in a state of overwhelming mixed feelings being happy at times for what I’ve reached also tired for trying to maintain a certain look, and battling an eating disorder along with other physical illnesses. Wanting to take a break but being so afraid that if I fall off the wagon I might not be able to get back up, plus there are people that are kinda waiting to say “see you failed”

Many many years later, actually about 3 years ago to be exact I went on a self discovery journey, it was pretty unexpected and it had happened for the most bizarre reasons, but I’m happy it did. On that journey I discovered and realized so so so many things about my self, things that have been in the way of me progressing on so many levels, complete belief systems that have been embedded in the back of my head and have been shaping and making up the majority of my life and life decisions unknowingly. As I was tapping into that and ridding my self of all that burden and removing layer and layer of harmful ideas and ways of thinking I came to the shocking realization that when it came down to me body and body image I have been doing everything for all the WRONG reasons. External validation, the desire to wanna fit in, to be accepted, to look a certain way and think it will add value to me, to wanna be liked by others. It was hard for me at first to admit or even acknowledge that this was my motivation, that I, an independent strong woman actually cares this much on a deeper level about what people think of me, not even me but a small superficial part of me. It was shocking, saddening and a major wake up call.

It took me time to fully admit it, to change the way I view things to tell my self time and time again that I am enough, that I am more than the body I am in, that my health is just as important as the way my body looks. That I am as beautiful as how kind I am to others, that my value isn’t derived from the way I look, but from my values, the prints I leave behind me, the smiles I put on others faces, the helping hand I extend to others.

It took me time to remove layers and layers of being not accepted for who I am, and to understand that those who refused to accept me were only reflecting how deeply they didn’t accept themselves, and no matter how much I change the way I look they would still find flaws in me because this is what they are accustomed to doing, to find flaws in an endlessly beautiful world with beauty in everything in it. I pray for their healing.

Three years on the journey, which started out as a two week discover yourself retreat is now an ever expanding journey to better understand my self, to choose wisely why I do things, to prioritize my self, health and well being. To not get effected by others opinions and to always know that I am enough and all the things i do are to improve myself and become better but never to be accepted or to impress anyone.

I am grateful for everything that I have been through, even the hard times at the begging, even doing things for the wrong reasons, even being naive as to want peoples approval. All of this poured into me becoming who I am today

The healthy, strong, beautiful inside and out, independent, loving, caring, kind person that I am today is because of all that I’ve been through.

Oh yeah and with a banging hot body too.. it’s for me though and not to impress anyone

Whatever you do in your life, be it work on your body, pursue a career, make a major life decision, move to another country, marry your best friend, adopt 3 puppies ..., WHATEVER it is Do it because it makes YOU Happy, do it for YOU

Dana K